CONTENT WARNING

The Website that you are about to view may contain content only suitable for adults. If you are under the age of 18, if such material offends you or if it is illegal to view such material in your community please EXIT now.


Guilty of Kink

J.Walker

11 Apr 2016

I did feel guilty. For a very long time. Then again, I had kinky thoughts very early on and I would have to wait many many years until the internet became accessible. The internet really helped. I found a community and people, who helped me understand what happened and how to do what I loved, with people who loved it being done to them.

I knew inside me that I never wanted to hurt anyone. But I also got off on beating women up. I had to present this to my partners as a "game", but in truth, I never felt it was a game. I knew I really wanted them to hurt, to let me do that to them... to surrender. But I had neither the words nor the concepts to convey this.

I suffered from this isolation, probably messed up some relationships and felt not ok with myself. I did believe I was sick but would never have spoken to a therapist about it. I wouldn't have expected an understanding ear and knowing I wasn't a bad guy, I didn't want to put myself in a position where I might be judged by someone.

To this day, I believe there is nothing I could have done about it. I convinced myself that this was just "another sexual fantasy". But I could never hide it. It showed in the very way I touched a woman, interacted with her... loved her. It was always there.

I wish someone had told me earlier.