Guilty of Kink
J.Walker11 Apr 2016
I did feel guilty. For a very long time. Then again, I had kinky thoughts very early on and I would have to wait many many years until the internet became accessible. The internet really helped. I found a community and people, who helped me understand what happened and how to do what I loved, with people who loved it being done to them.
I knew inside me that I never wanted to hurt anyone. But I also got off on beating women up. I had to present this to my partners as a "game", but in truth, I never felt it was a game. I knew I really wanted them to hurt, to let me do that to them... to surrender. But I had neither the words nor the concepts to convey this.
I suffered from this isolation, probably messed up some relationships and felt not ok with myself. I did believe I was sick but would never have spoken to a therapist about it. I wouldn't have expected an understanding ear and knowing I wasn't a bad guy, I didn't want to put myself in a position where I might be judged by someone.
To this day, I believe there is nothing I could have done about it. I convinced myself that this was just "another sexual fantasy". But I could never hide it. It showed in the very way I touched a woman, interacted with her... loved her. It was always there.
I wish someone had told me earlier.