15 Apr 2018
At times I question myself. Why am I here? At times, I want to quit this life of kinky desires and be a normal, regular woman. A woman who abides by the social norms of marriage, procreation, death, and life!
And then he walked in. The bastard whom I shall grow to love and hate, more hate than love I hope, or is it the other way round! How dangerously can he see through all the masks I have so carefully woven for the world to see and believe in! How he gets my juices flowing just by being himself. That bastard!!!
At times, I wonder, can I really dominate him someday? Can I surprise him when he can see me so clearly through my clothes and my skin? Can I control him when he is so much in control of everything around him? Can I have him on his knees, shivering like an abandoned puppy that I will, instinctively, feel like taking in my arms? Oh let me not allow myself to stray and fall for the puppy eyes! That conniving bastard!!!
Between the individual desire and the social acceptance of domination, and oh-the-toxic-masculinity which stands in between, there was no space for me to be myself! Why will the system not permit me to be the prey that turns into the predator? Why do I have to put up the pretence of being sexual just because my fantasies do not match yours? Why should I mould my desires as per your requirement when you claim that submission is surrendering to the desire of the dominant!
We have been conditioned to believe in the majoritarian view. We are rarely taught to have faith in one’s own dreams and beliefs. Howsoever strong we are, we tend to get swayed by the rejection from others and we, too, tend to lose trust in our path and self doubt creeps in like a silent killer. The self easily falls prey and very few can manage to escape the clutches of the self doubt till it is too late. Such is the way of life! Rarely does someone breeze into your life snatching you from the mouth of that killer and leaving you with no option but to believe in yourself. Such a bastard he is!!!
I am not surprised he could see through me. My friends can see the storm beneath the calm too. I am surprised how easily he could see it and how soon! His words were powerful enough to make me take another shot at the kinky ways. And then, as if to convince me, he offered himself as the prey! The cautious me stepped back to wonder, if the prey is the bait and the hunter is hiding at the hunter’s blind to get a clear shot. And then, he spoke to me of trust and faith. He spoke at length about how he is gathering the courage to walk the plank at my command. How he instinctively felt he can trust me. How he is uncertain if it is his foolishness or the streak of adventure that is bringing him to me. I can see through him too and I find no reason to not to trust him. I realize the prey is not a bait fish. There is more challenge in the game than I could see to start with! And he knows I can never stay away from the chance of a good hunt. What a bastard!!!
Now that I carefully sit and chalk out my plan of attack and prepare myself for the kill, I need to remind myself of his cunning ways and not get lured into believing that he is an innocent rabbit ready to be hunted down. I know he will not make it easy for me. Or will he? Will he give himself up as an easy prey just to reassure me of my ways? Maybe he will. But I hope he doesn’t. I hope he knows me well enough to understand I am already back in the game. If I can’t hunt him tonight, I will come back another time for the catch. Oh what a pleasurable kill that will be! Just you wait till you step into my territory, you bastard!!!
As I foresee the moment of the kill, I sense the power it oozes. My juices start flowing instantly. Not from my genitalia but in the cerebrum. I realize a play need not be sexual. I understand I was being too impatient and was leaving the forest too soon. He taught me the art of being patient. I learnt to accept my desires, I learnt to stay. I realized some kills are worth the wait. I sensed the erotic in the power and not in the sexual.
And today, while I silently plan his demise, I no longer question myself why am I here. I know I am here to kill. We lock eyes. We wait. The chase shall begin. The hunt is on!