What kink means to me
16 Apr 2018
Someone asked me recently to write about how kink affected my life.for a minute I didn’t know what to say.i haven’t really faced criticism regarding my sexual choices and I am not an activist. Whatever I do, I do behind closed doors and I have never really needed to justify my choices to anyone..
I wrote several drafts, but nothing stuck me as true. It sounded like me trying to justify my choices. And so I got frustrated and forgot all about it.
Then a few days later, another person asked me what kink meant to me. And instantly I replied,that it meant the freedom to be who I am.
And that’s when i realised that kink actually did not change my life. It was always a part of me. But accepting that part of me, made me whole.
Accepting that I have sexual preferences different from a lot of other people, made me give up the guilt that I faced all my life. That’s what kink meant to me…
Till a very long time I associated the fact that I like to submit in sexual play, and that I like pain and edge play, to the fact that I have a history of child sexual abuse. I thought that the particular incident altered something in my mind and I have become weird. I would enjoy kinky sexual encounters ,and then later feel terribly guilty and confused about them. As a result I grew up to be a confused and frustrated young woman. I associated all my problems with my history of abuse and would indulge in self pity as and when it suited me. It became a convenient way of life for me.
Anybody who is different from those around them, wether in looks, behaviour, sexual preferences etc, always feels the onus to justify their choices. My only justification was my difficult childhood.
But then I grew up.
I met loads of people who are into kink through Internet forums. I interacted with them online and then in real life. The first few steps were very tentative but gradually I started to open up. I met people who were as different from each other as two human beings can be. Some were students, some working professionals , some housewives , some businessmen.
But they all had one thing in common. One thing that I had always denied myself. They were all NORMAL people. They had absolutely nothing wrong with them. They weren’t schizophrenic weirdos. They had a social life , a work life, families and children and everything else that we can imagine.
Kink was just a sexual preference, it did not define them. Most of them were multifaceted intelligent human beings with varied interests. People I would meet on a daily basis and would never guess were kinky.
That was when I realised there is absolutely nothing wrong with me being kinky. I stopped looking for excuses for liking what I did. It was as much a part of me, as having eyes and ears and hands and legs. It did not define me, but at the same time my life would not be complete without it . I stopped feeling weird.
That’s what kink did for me. It made me accept myself for what I am. I stopped looking for excuses.
I am not trying to justify kink. I don’t think it needs justification.i don’t think any sexual preference or for that matter any choice that we make, needs any justification.
If a person likes being tied up and dominated, that has nothing to do with anybody else. That is my choice to make. And all of us have the freedom to be what we choose to be. I find it strange when people who think of themselves as normal, look at kink and say it’s abuse.
Abuse is when we shut our children up in mind and expect them to follow in our footsteps, when we try to silence all voices different from our own. Abuse is non consensual sexual activities happening behind closed doors in the name of marriage..
the most positive thing that I see in the kink community is the willingness to listen , to discuss and to encourage everyone to explore their likes. Consent is one of the biggest pillars of kink community. I can’t remember how many times we have discussed safe words and consent amongst kinksters. It’s like the first thing anyone is taught.
Kink is not just a single word. It has multiple sexual preferences under its umbrella. And all of us are willing to give the other persons kink , the benefit of doubt. I may not like your kink, but I won’t judge you for it..
I have been fortunate enough to explore this lifestyle with people who have tried to push my boundaries , both mental and physical. And that has released me from my own prejudices and judgements. I have listened to their view points, and they have opened my mind to new possibilities. I have grown up as a result of my interactions with those in the kink community. A lot of times I can’t engage in a very deep conversation with my so called normal friends , because there are limits to what we can talk about. But in the kink community, I can talk without the fear of being judged because probably all of them are as “weird” as I am.
I have learned that there are always two sides to a coin. I have been accepted for who I am.
I have made mistakes but no one judged. Those mistakes helped me grow as a human being. I myself have become less judgmental. My kink gives me wings to fly… And I am so glad I am kinky