A little after noon, on Sunday, 29th May 2022, the living room of a South Delhi home crammed with kinksters, began buzzing with animated conversations. Was the growing obsession with posting photos getting in the way of our kink lives? Can barking ‘kneel bitch’ to the submissive without bothering to create a power dynamic even be called domination?! What might help newbies, especially the younger women, feel safer in the amazing adventures they’ve embarked upon?
After a break for a Kerala food lunch, the buzz was around action, more precisely, watching and then practicing flogging and wax play. Just witnessing the demo of breath play that followed was a challenge even for those tough dominants amongst us. The finale was a mummification demo in which a brave young female kinkster, immobilized neck downwards with cling film of the kind found in drawers of some kitchens, was swaying literally and metaphorically too, in her words, between “terror” and “trust”. How much intensity fully clothed persons can experience is something we know so well as kinksters and the play shop was no exception!
Before sharing more about what happened at the playshop, a bit about what in fact is a playshop? It’s a term that the Kinky Collective came up with to describe an event which involves learning skills and discussions. Why not just call it a workshop? Because in a playshop we get to practice what we learn, consensually of course, with each other.
There were 21 of us. After sharing of house rules like no photography, no asking details that indicate our non-kink identities, no nudity (unless desired and a private space asked for) Delhi Girl introduced the Kinky Collective as a non-funded group that seeks to create awareness about kink and to strengthen the community from within. She was also introduced as the point person to go to in case anyone felt uncomfortable or violated in any way. After this we introduced ourselves and jumped straight into a discussion about how the kink scene may have changed over the years in India, based on the experiences of those of us present at the playshop, whose ages spanned the 20’s, 30’s, 40’s and 50’s.
We talked about the changes that might be taking place in the kink scene in a few different ways. Those who have been in the community for some decades now shared a few of their experiences. After this we found ourselves gravitating towards the topic of photographs, their growing importance and the need for our consent culture to include consent related to photos too. We also talked about how D/S was understood earlier might be changing. Cutting across topics emerged certain dangers in the way that we understand and respond to emerging issues. The discussions concluded with how we as a community can support newbies.
Some experiences from the 90’s onwards
Joy and Sig shared many stories about how it was for them in the pre-internet days and the changes since then (some of which they helped make happen, even though they did not quite put it like that). Joy spoke about how the feeling that there was no one in the world like him ended only with the coming of the internet and discovering kinky yahoo chat rooms. Then too he, like Sig, felt although there were other kinky people, they all lived in America and Europe, and not in India. When Joy first found out about the existence of kinksters in India, he went all the way from Calcutta to Bombay (let’s be true to the history of the names too) to attend a munch. This was 2004. The connection with Indian kinksters continued on desi kinky yahoo chat rooms, but these closed down when a panic was created after a journalist wrote about them including the kinky handles of some of their members. Fast forward to 2008, when the coming of Fetlife made possible Indian online groups and the organizing of munches. Alongside the excitement and importance of munches was the fear of letting in the wrong people, so the system of validation was put forth. But due to the time contraints, such validation of a new member could take well over 6 months. The process of validation also took time because this was before the time of smart phones.
Sig spoke about how month after month he and three others were the only ones at the munches in Delhi, one of whom travelled every month from Merut and the other from Amritsar to Delhi. Intense discussions were held between the four musketeers over endless cups of coffee (for the first few years munches were held only in coffee shops, for … years the ‘official’ munches were held in coffee shops and the ‘unofficial’ munches that followed them were held in bars.) [The specific data will be difficult to produce.] Stories were also shared about their first interactions with fear filled kinksters like the person who Joy met in Bangalore whose first response was – “But you look normal!” This made Joy wonder what this person must have seen when he looked in the mirror everyday – an abnormal person? The newbie quickly moved from the fear to inviting Joy over to his house and showing him the bags full of ropes which he was still to be able to try on someone, a fact which did not detract the brilliant rigger Joy said he was.
Both Sig and Joy spoke about the tremendous importance of friendships in the days when they were trying to build a community. Delhi Girl and TS, who joined the community in the early 2010’s also joined in their agreement about friendships being, and continuing to be, one of the most precious aspects of their kink life.
Sig and Joy also shared about the decade starting 2010 and in particularly experiences linked to the Kinky Collective, which started in 2011. Beyond Delhi and Kolkata, members of KC tried to organize munches and workshops wherever they happened to travel for work or for personal reasons, including Chennai, Ranchi, Jaipur, Puri, Bangalore and Goa. KC members even organized the first munch in Kathmandu, Nepal! The first national munch happened in Goa in 2011. Maybe it’s time for a second national munch we thought. It’s not just within the community, Sig shared a bit about the work that the Kinky Collective is doing with Mental Health Professionals towards making them kink aware. KC has interacted with MHPs in Kolkata, Mumbai and Delhi so far. Sig also mentioned interactions on kink with students and faculty that KC has led including at Ashoka University, Jindal and Ambedkar University & National University of Juridical Sciences. Talking to feminists and members of the queer community has also been an important part of the work of KC.
Since the discussion was rather free flowing, we did not do a ‘then’ and ‘now’ comparison but some shifts are plain to see. From 4 people in Delhi munches in the late 2000’s we now have 40+ people. In several of the metros play parties are happening. From the 100% male 4 Musketeers we now have at most 30% women at munches, not that this is good enough as Sig said, but for Delhi Girl and Ts, this is already a considerable relief from their initial years in the early 2010’s when they were most often the only women at the Delhi munches. Sig felt that women cared much less about judgement. A young male kinkster added that it was not just about women, in his experience, if his friends were to judge him about his kinks, they themselves would be judged by peers, since among his friends, it’s not ok to be judgmental about kink.
It is not only in munches, it is also women’s presence on Fetlife that has been so fantastic, said Sig. He said he was filled with awe at the courage of younger women, including at the way in which they were posting their photographs.
Our discussion moved to photographs and about courage and fear, consent violations and why photographs might be becoming so important in the kink scene.
If you didn’t click it, it didn’t happen – Photos and the kink scene today
While Sig saw younger women who posted kinky photos of themselves as brave, an expression of sexual agency and liberation, a younger female kinkster felt that it has a lot to do with her generation being the “Visual Generation” that has grown up using social media. During the discussion we moved from the comfort and familiarity with taking and sharing photos on social media to how in the contemporary moment it has almost become necessary to capture and upload every moment of our lives. From posting what we ate for breakfast to posting photos of sessions seemed to be part of the same continuum. Like with the rest of life, even with kink, there seemed to be growing compulsiveness to capture what we experience and to share it on social media. If you didn’t click it, it didn’t happen! And if you clicked it, the rest doesn’t need to happen. Seriously! This actually happened with a female switch kinkster who said that as soon as the dominant took photos during the session, the play stopped! Getting the right pic is the play itself. While this is a starker example, what other younger kinksters shared also pointed to the clear and present danger that photos might be assuming so much importance that they might lessen or interrupt the flow of energy and the intensity of the play.
Although the desire to post kinky photos is shared across the board, we also talked about what it might mean for some dominants. While photos serve the more general desire to flaunt, posting pics of the submissive can also be a way of attracting other submissives. While some kinksters felt that there is nothing wrong with using photos as a means of literally showing the skills that one has, several of us questioned the dominants’ need to use their submissives’ photos in order to get ahead in their kink life. During the discussion Joy raised the question of power. When photos are used as a crutch, might it reveal that the dominants inability to exercise power well enough?
But what if photos help my kink or are my kink?!
The concerns about what the growing obsession with photos meant for the kink scene was tempered by several of us remembering how important photos are for many of us. As shared above, we talked about how women being able to post kinky, sexy photos of themselves is itself a marker of how the kink scene is being occupied more and more by women and how this also reflects a larger phenomenon of women being able to express their sexuality more and more despite patriarchy. The opportunity that photos provide to break gender norms is not limited to women, pointed a female switch kinksters. For transgender persons and cross-dressers, uploading photos of themselves is very important part of way to express not just their kink but their very sense of self. We also reminded ourselves about how photos are related to our kinks. For exhibitionists (and most of us are all somewhere on the spectrum!) this is part of kink itself. As one of the male participants shared, the very act of taking photos could be very satisfying, not just the uploading and sharing. When asked by a dominant for his consent to take photos, he had said that he was not comfortable with his photos being uploaded. The dominant then asked whether she could simply click the photos for the sheer pleasure of clicking the photos and that she would delete them after the session, which she did!
Photos themselves becoming a priority is a problem for those for whom D/S is a priority. At the same time photos themselves being a priority is not a problem for those whose kink is helped by photos. These two realities co-exist. The discussion on photos offered us an important insight – in kink, it is dangerous to make any sweeping generalizations and judgements (for eg. ‘photos should not be given too much importance’). This also does not mean that everything is a matter of individual choice. The larger picture matters. When BDSM is the priority and photos are getting in the way for some of the persons involved in the play, then this is something we need to recognize and talk about as the community. But while talking about photos (or anything else) in the kink scene we also need to keep in mind the context and whether photos are helping or hindering kink satisfaction.
Seems like it’s time to include photos in consent negotiations…
In contrast to this beautiful story, there the many instances we had experienced or heard of when the dominant neither took consent to upload nor removed photos when asked to. In the discussion around photographs and consent, there was consensus that people should have the control to decide if someone else can upload their pic, for how long and in future the person if wants the pic to be removed they should have the control to decide this (even many years down the line). Posting someone’s pic without consent or refusing to take down a photo constitute consent violations. Given how alarmingly common consent violations are becoming in the community, it was felt that photographs should feature in our consent negotiations, which so far have focused on other aspects of play. Perhaps if the play partners discussed beforehand and came to an agreement regarding uploading and removal of photographs, it would help reduce the instances of consent violations, if the intention is not to deliberately harm.
There were also some positive experiences regarding photographs and consent, including when a Dominant took photos from the phone of the submissive as a part of reassuring that the photos would remain within the control of submissive. An important point of agreement in the discussion was that consent related to photographs is not just an issue between the play partners but an issue for the community as a whole and that it has emerged as an important aspect of the consent culture that we are developing together.
Another reminder, that photographs are a community issue was offered by a younger male kinkster when he reminded us that photos can be and are removed at least from Fetlife, as a community platform. He raised this at a point in the discussion regarding fears related to how once photos are up on the internet they can never be removed, in which he felt that we were perhaps being too alarmist. The discussion on photographs ended with a reflection by one of the participants that perhaps science and technology have progressed at a very past pace and that ethics has not kept pace with it.
Other than the growing importance of photographs in the kink scene, we talked about what might be changing in terms of D/S. Two main questions came up. One was whether in the kink scene today particular kinky acts (and whether we like then or not) matter more than D/S. Another question was whether dominants were trying to exercise control without establishing a power dynamic. With respect to both the questions we also talked about how as a community, in the way in which we respond to genuine problems, we might end of creating new rules, norms and stereotypes.
These days, do kinky acts matter more than D/s?
Looking back at his own experience as kinkster who has been a member of the community for almost two decades, Sig said that his sense was that while earlier power exchange was what mattered most, in the kink scene today what he was seeing more and more were kinksters exploring a wide variety of desires. Perhaps our likes and dislikes of particular acts, preferences for flogging over caning, for example, might matter more than the power exchange aspect of kink. Although there was nothing at all wrong in this, he wondered whether this meant that submission and domination were less important now than being able to experience many different kinds of kinky acts? Is it the case, he asked, that earlier power exchange was primary and kinky acts were secondary, but now kinky acts are primary and power exchange secondary? During the discussion around this, a basic and critical question came up of what do we mean when we use the term D/S. While there is no one definition, some of us felt that D/S meant power exchange. In D/S the primacy is the power exchange, not likes and dislikes about particular acts. The power exchange in D/S needs kinky acts but these acts are not the main thing.
In response to the question of whether in the kink scene today kinky acts are becoming more important than D/S, a kinkster in the group who identifies as a female switch said that this is true for her in the sense that she is choosy about whom she gives up control to. While she is selective about D/S, she is also eager for new experiences. In this sense, the current kink scene does seem to be witnessing a greater exploration of kinky acts, which are not necessarily based on only a D/S dynamic. While the discussion did not put D/S on a pedestal and to judge desires to ‘only’ engage in kinky acts without D/S, it was important to recognize that if the primary intention in a particular scene is exploration of desire for kinky acts, this should not be confused with D/s.
D/S without power exchange – The problem of fake D/S
Another topic we discussed related to D/S and whether dominants were claiming a position of power when in fact they had not even established the power dynamic.
A female switch at the playshop shared about how a dominant she interacted with online sent her a contract in their second online interaction! It seemed to us that there was a growing tendency to rush into the ‘kneel bitch’ mode and exercise control not just in sessions but in various aspects of life without bothering to establish a power dynamic. While it is not as though this is true only of the current moment of the kink scene, we felt that perhaps there are more hollow claims to power that are being made today in the rush to claim submissives as theirs, without doing even the minimal work of establishing a power dynamic. There is real and present danger of newbies thinking that perhaps this is how it’s meant to be.
The sad and perhaps somewhat pathetic irony of a situation in which some dominants are claiming domination, or acting like dominants without the power dynamic is that for D/S to work, the dominant can be a dominant only when the submissive submits. This came up for discussion when TS shared an experience in which she felt that the dominant was not exercising power and punishing her for a task she had not been able to perform despite trying her best, but that he was come from a place of anger over which he had no control. It was at this moment that she could literally feel in her body what, till now, she had known as a concept – that the power lies with the submissive. When she did not want to submit, there was nothing that the dominant could do. “Without a submissive the dominant didn’t exist”, she said. With the element of helplessness and loss of control (like when one is swept away by anger), the dominant cannot perform the role of a dominant. A male dominant in the group said that it is not only the submissive who realizes the moment that the dominant has lost control, the dominant themselves know it in the precise moment when they have lost control.
Are long run ups the only solution to fake D/S?
There is an increasing danger of trying to dominate without a power dynamic. But is time a necessary factor in establishing a power dynamic? Several kinksters spoke about how building a power dynamic needed time. It’s like a building said a younger male kinkster. The more solid the foundation, the stronger the building. In contrast are the fast food versions of D/S or like someone said, “kink at first sight”. We laughed at these words. But we also asked ourselves – are we assuming that a longer term D/S dynamic is the solution to experience ‘real’ power exchange? Since the factor of time is assumed to be related to ‘real’ power dynamics, we constantly seemed to slip into contrasting “quick assertion of control is bad” with “slow build up of power dynamics is good”. Mindful of this danger, we talked about how there are no defined timelines for D/S to be engaged with each other. D/S, in the sense of power exchange, can happen during a play date, an online hook up kink or in long term relationships.
Once again, we reminded ourselves that as kinksters we can’t rush into generalizations and judgements. Yes, we must call out fake, hollow D/S, but we should watch out for the danger of proposing solutions which carry certain stereotypes, norms and assumptions. As kinksters, surely the last thing we want to do is to prescribe a new set of norms for ourselves, after turning upside so many norms held to be so dear by mainstream society. And as kinksters we know from our own experience that generalizations and judgements are out of sync with our kink lives. When TS asked whether anyone in the room had had intense first sessions, almost every head in the room nodded! Clearly power exchange doesn’t necessarily need time. What matters is that the power exchange be real, with the dominant truly in control and the submissive in a state of surrender preceded by agency.
Are relationships the only solution to fake D/S?
Another danger is that because we (rightly) diagnose the problem as hollow D/S involving orders shouted out too quickly, the solution that we propose is that ‘good’ D/S needs D/S relationships rather than one off play. While a female kinkster shared how long term dynamic helps her be less inhibited, a female switch spoke about how playing with strangers helps her drop her guards. Another collective ‘hmmm…’ moment in the discussion. Even as we need to watch out for the increasingly frequent hollow claims to domination not backed by a power dynamic, we also need to watch out for solutions that involves creation of new stereotypes and norms, the last thing we might want to do as kinksters.
The community needs to support newbies
Although we heard quite a bit about the efforts made by older kinksters to build the community and how critical community and friendships were to them, we did not get much of a chance to talk about what community and friendships mean to us today. However, some important references did come up. One was about the women’s munches which Joy felt was one of the best things to happen in the kink scene today. He was referring to the emergence of a powerful national online space in India for those who identify as women. This space seemed to be very important in terms of the women involved feeling safe enough to undertake adventures in the kink journeys, especially for those who were just embarking on this journey. Other references to community were made in the context of the need to strengthen the consent culture within the community whether, as detailed above, it is in the context of uploading and removal of photographs or in the context of together watching out, as a community, for what seems to be a growing tendency by claim authority without a basis of D/S (also detailed above). It was also pointed out by one of the kinksters that perhaps since so many people today who are active on social media are being able to find play partners on Instagram etc. there might be less of a felt need to find a community.
Whatever be the larger trend, those of us present in the playshop certainly seemed to feel the need for a community. One of the concrete discussions about the role of the community focused on what we could do together to make sure that newbies feel safer. One of the younger male kinksters made the suggestion that we should create a starter kit on IKC. He, like several others, were struck by some of the insights in the previous discussion like the power lying with the submissive, and the need to challenge claims of domination which were not based in power exchange, and felt that newbies would be helped greatly if these were put up clearly on FL. Although we felt that beyond a point everyone is an adult and there are limits to what can be done as a community to stop predators, it was very important to offer some guidance to newbies to support them and help them so as to mitigate risks associated with stalkers and unsafe persons.
It was decided that a team would work to create a write up which could be a guide for newbies. The team will constitute of Alluring Kink, Phoenix, Blue Spectacles, Nemo, Leo, Ying Yang, Taurus and Sig.
Before moving onto the skill part of the playshop, here are some of the snipets of what participants shared about how the discussions were for them. The volunteer who was taking minutes said in no uncertain terms that moderation and time keeping needed to improve a lot! There seemed to be some agreement around this. Despite this particpants also had this to say about the discussions.
“gave a new perspective to think kink in more ways possible…leads me think kink in a more broader way……”
“The conversations today were engaging and stimulating. It was an educational experience hearing from wise and fresh from the farm kinksters alike.”
“Your pointed discussion topics were very intriguing and were instrumental for many new perspectives coming out today.”
“amazing discussions about consent and kink. It was really nice to hear the perspective of people of so many different age groups.”
“knowing how different things and situations can be seen in various prisms by different thought processes. @Tentacledsub your questions made so much sense and helped us all dig deep into our conscience to think twice about how we react.”
Time for Action! Flogging, wax play, breath play, mummification…
After the discussions we focused on skills, beginning with flogging and wax play. Post demos in the living room, we spilled out in the dining room to practice. Some who needed more privacy went to the bedroom. The whole house seemed to be blessed with the energy of kinksters excitedly trying their hands at what they had seen. There was much laughter and a method in the madness with members of the Kinky Collective watching and intervening when needed during the practice. After the highly animated practice sessions we got back and settled down in the living room to watch demos of breath play and mummification. The idea behind the breath play demo was not to teach it, in fact participants were told not to try it given the risks involved without developing sufficient skills and that the learning required was beyond what was possible in the playshop, but to simply demonstrate the intensity and trust involved in edge play.
The playshop involved a fair amount of information. For instance, in the context of flogging, the need to ask the receiver beforehand if they have any injuries, the value of a warm up, the ease of aiming on fleshy parts like the bum and the upper back, the usefulness of estimating the flogging distance so that the flogger doesn’t wrap around the body and avoiding the face, abdomen, male genitals and neck. In the case of wax play, we talked about how the wax should not be coloured or bee wax, it’s best to use a paraffin and soy wax with low melting point.
However, this article is not going to focus on information, but instead on the quality of the experience of teaching and learning. Below are some of the experiences that participants shared online, as well as our reflections as organizers as to what might have made these possible. These glimpses will better communicate the teaching / learning process rather than do’s and don’ts which, as a male kinkster who identifies as a voyeur said, are all too easy to find on you tube. He also said,
“It is how we did what we did, rather than what we did, that stood out to me the most.”
Learning from each other
An important part of the “how” was in the practice, in trying out with one another what had been demonstrated. With each other might sound random, but we were asked whether we wanted to be givers or receivers or both and paired accordingly. The practice was marked by a strong sense of learning together, with each other, and emotions, especially gratitude. About her experience of wax play practice, a female switch participants wrote,
“It was my first time doing temperature play with wax and ice to a female body and this memory of my first would be etched in my heart too. You were a completely beautiful submissive and I hope you loved the experience as much as I did!”
The feeling that the experience will be etched forever seemed to be mutual. Her receiver wrote,
“an amazing wax play experience.. totally loved it and I promise that this will be etched in my memory forever :)”
Some participants expressed gratitude to each other for helping them feel confident enough to try.
Beyond technique, making learners experience, trust and care
Also part of the “how” was the method of the trainers.
Here are some odes to Joy, one of the main persons doing the demos and guiding the practices, who many jokingly or perhaps not so jokingly were referring to as a guru!
“now what do I say about you Guruji, I was mesmerized by the way you explained the fine nuances of kinks, along with the precautions and with such precision and sensitivity.”
“enigmatic as he was inspiring. It was truly humbling to see someone so collected and calm while thrashing someone.”
“You explained everything so beautifully …almost like a poem with lot of spice :)”
“ur experience and confidence about kink helping a lot of fellows like us to understand and practice it”
This is what one of the kinksters wrote about her experience as one of the persons on whom flogging was demonstrated by Joy.
“About the play shop, I received my nirvana at the end of @joywillingly’s flogger… Thank you for giving me so much joy, that I willingly surrendered my body to you… (sorry, cheesy line alert, just had to say it! 🙈) Thank you for keeping my limits in mind and also help me overcome my fear of pain, one hit at a time.. thanks for being so gentle and caring yet to so firm ruthless in your flogging…I have always been a self learner, in kink and in real life and this was the first time that someone mentored me and taught me how to do things right… watching videos and learning is incomparable to the real thing. Thank you for teaching me how to flog and for choosing me to be your subject. That was a life altering moment for me…”
The participants responses show clearly that skill in kink is not only about technique and know how, they are very much about communication, confidence, trust and care. Teaching skill in kink therefore becomes so much about communication, trust and care. The teacher needs to make the learners experience these aspects, and clearly they did! Not just the receivers in the demo but those watching the demo. Participants could see, sense and feel Joy bringing these dimensions into the demonstration, and that mattered to them. Even though these were ‘just’ demos, some of what is key in ‘real’ play needed to be communicated and from the responses of participants it seems it was. The style of teaching skills in the play shop seemed to work because it was in sync with the nature of kink itself. It incorporated dimensions of communication, care and trust, even within the limits of what is possible in a demo.
Any impactful method of teaching learning, i.e. pedagogy, of a skill needs to be in tune with the elements that need to be in place when that skill is going to be used outside of the teaching/ learning environment. And clearly kink is no exception. If those elements are missing, or limited, as in the case of online skill training, where it may not be easy to experience dimensions of trust and care, even if the producers of the material want to include such dimensions (which is often not the case, the skill ‘transfer’ tends to be about technicalities).
The receiver as teacher
One is the style of the teacher, there was another other way in which the teaching/learning process of the playshop was in keeping with the nature of kink itself. In kink, the receiver matters as much, if not more, than the giver. In teaching/learning around kink in the playshop too, the receiver was the key to helping the participants learn. This was so clear from the breath play demo.
Delhi Girl (DG), the receiver sat on a chair and Joy, the giver, behind her. After reminding us not to try it at home without achieving the necessary expertise, he proceeded to cover DG’s face with cling film, of the kind that one might use in the kitchen, for increasing periods of time. The moment that DG would begin gasping for breath he would remove the cling film from her face. Almost throughout the demo DG had her eyes closed, and the rest of us watched. We were mesmerized as much, or perhaps even more Joy, by DG, the receiver. In her ability to trust and immerse herself in the breathplay despite her fears, DG’s body and presence communicated the importance of trust, care control and the participants could see, feel and sense that. The receiver was, as if not more important in the teaching /learning process, as the giver. This is because good teaching/ learning process related to any skill will be rooted how the skill works in reality. In the case of kink, whenever any skill is used, i.e. when we play, it is at least as much about the receiver as it is about the giver. Since in kink it is not only the giver but the receiver who make possible the play around a skill, the teaching/ learning process is at least as much about seeing and sensing on the part of the receiver. No wonder then that so many participants expressed their deep appreciation for DG.
“It was the amazing and courageous @delhigirl. Your bravery is astounding and awe inspiring.”
“Delhi Girl, the asphyxiation demo was INTENSE. I felt like walking out of the room many times but I am glad I witnessed it in whole.”
“Delhi Girl, the asphyxiation session was the most horrifying yet liberating experience for me to watch… I don’t know how you had the courage to be a subject while you yourself are claustrophobic… Thanks to your trust on @joywillingly we were all able to see the spectacle. To give so much power to the other person is beyond words. Watching the two of you exchanging that power and you giving your life in the hands of Joy was a complete spectacle.”
“Delhi Girl, the sight of your breathless gasp while under the wrap is perhaps one of the most intense visuals I have ever seen. It has been seared into my mind for life. Thank you.”
Other than learning from each other, the styles of the giver and receiver, what was essential to the playshop was the feeling of being in a safe enough space. From the participants’ responses key to this was humour and feeling at home, literally in someone’s home, at which many of them said they felt most welcomed.
Humour as a Safe Space Ingredient
The issue of safe space is particularly important in the context of playshops because it seems that there was a fair amount of apprehension regarding what exactly a playshop was and what it entails. Perhaps this is also why the proportion of women participants was much lower than in munches. Feedback from some friends in the community was also that in the future it is important to make clear that a play shop does not mean nudity, whether full or partial (unless anyone specifically wants it, and finds others who want it and there is a separate private space option), does not mean photographs (unless that is discussed and agreed upon by everyone) etc. In the context of this particular playshop we did not propose photographs as an option except when someone specifically wanted him to be shot. In terms of nudity, of the women receivers of wax play wanted to remove her clothes; so she and the giver in the practice went to one of the bedrooms. So much for the information and logistics part of it. Now for the other elements that seemed to contribute to a sense of safety from participants responses.
Given the apprehensions before coming, the fairly nuanced nature of the discussions and the intensity of the demos, one might not have guessed just how much fun the playshop was. But from the laughter in the house and the participants responses, people did seem to have fun!
“…Informative yet fun. making jokes and just having a ball of a time.”
“DJ Rules, it was so much fun watching you with one foot on top of… (a male kinster) and doing the wax play… twice the torture… And on top of it you saying “ye to chilla hi nahi raha hai” was EPIC! 😂😂” (“He’s not even screaming”)
“My clown energy was at its peak when the toys came out, and I absolutely loved bouncing from corner to corner of the entire space just absorbing what was happening.”
“I have never felt comfortable without alcohol or cannabis with so many people in such intimate setting. I didn’t need that crutch yesterday.”
Taking off from what the young female kinkster above said fun is of course simply fun, and needs no other reason, but relaxed, positive vibes make for a good learning environment, that too learning, not just as an individual, but in a community kind of way. Much less inhibition, a feel of acceptance make it possible to participate.
At the risk of being a party pooper, it’s important to point to how important the humour was in creating the safe space necessary for discussion and learning at the playshop. And one of the main authors of the fun-ness was Sig, one of organizers, who seems to have made an art of making others feel relaxed, safe and included, made them feel comfortable and relaxed with his unstoppable one-liners! Several participants recognized and expressed their appreciation for the role that Sig was playing, with his “perfect comic time” and “never allowing any of the attendees to feel awkward.”
“Sig – You can make a not so social guy like me feel completely at home, making it possible for me to step out of my shell.”
“You have an amazing energy around you that invites people in and makes them feel comfortable.”
The last demo was mummification. It involved the standing body being restrained with a cling film/saran wrap wrapped all around it, neck downwards. Here’s an excerpt by Blue Spectacles, a younger female kinkster, of her experience as the receiver of the demo.
He asks why I chose to do this to my self.
“I don’t want to be afraid.”
Of terror. Of trust. Of being seen, being hurt, being ridiculed for being less than perfect.
He takes the saran wrap and starts.
I keep my head bowed. His proximity dampens the loud tearing of saran.
He pulls the film tight from the sides, and I sway, swept up in the immeasurable force of an ocean wave. Terror.
He enlists @N_E_M_O to keep me from capsizing like a rickety boat. Trust.
He holds my feet in place between both of his knees. I look at his kneeling form and flashback to him presenting his chest to me as flogging target. I wonder what he saw on my face when I hit him. Terror.
He gets up. The storm has passed. The waters are eerily still, yet I don’t feel stranded. Trust.
He holds me by my arms and asks me to hop. The urge to comply rises up like bile, scalds my throat. I consciously cover the urge to flinch with a laugh. Terror.
I choose to let his joy infect me instead. I hop. Trust.
They push me back and forth between the two of them, and I watch them be who they are: two capricious, chaotic children, playing catch with a toddler and revelling in its squeals. I feel it bubbling in my chest, clear and cleansing as spring.
They banter in Bengali, a mellifluous language that remains unintelligible to me. The lack of comprehension makes me feel insignificant, unseen. It eviscerates the weight of being watched completely.
I look at him and grin, the wrap covering my nervous twitch when he looks back, unflinching.
What I wouldn’t give to watch him come apart at the seams.
They decide to sweep me off my feet, quite literally, and I scream, completely off-kilter and thoroughly okay with it.
I’m steady and light. I’m sure that if I wanted, I could defeat gravity and take to the skies. But they put me back on my own two feet, only to throw me around like a ragdoll. I feel my body heat waver between constrictive and comforting. I feel safe wrapped in the cocoon of their trust.
At some point, I’m a human shaped toy in his lap. My hands escape the wrapping, and I hear laughter ring through the air.
The playshop concluded with all of us sharing feedback and suggestions. The feedback has already been shared in the article, so we will focus here on the suggestions. Several of us shared about how jittery we were before coming and how unfounded our fears were. There should be ways to allay the fears of newbies in particular so that they could be part of such events. We also asked what skills we would like to see included in future playshops. Ropes and needles it is then, for the next one…
The Kinky Collective organizers also requested participants to share their experiences with others in the online community. Several of the comments have been shared above but let’s conclude with responses which capture the intensity of the action which many of us experienced as well as what the discussions meant for us and for the community as a whole.
“Events like these are one of the few places where I can openly discuss about my kinks. Yesterday, I was able to discuss many of those things and most importantly learn so much about myself.”
“It gives me courage and hope that there will be more awareness about kink soon enough all around us and people like that Bangalore Guy will finally be able to see themselves like a ‘normal’ person, if there ever was one…”
“P.S. : The redness on my back has faded but the memories won’t.”
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