Let’s just agree straight off the bat that I speak from privilege (presumably to the privileged).
I, in no way, represent all of my country; even if I have seen a lot of its fucked up, I haven’t experienced it first hand.
I didn’t grow up in a village steeped in caste issues. I didn’t exist in an atmosphere where jeans and cell-phone use by women was named the prime cause for rape. I may have been subtly pressured to eventually get married and have babies but I have not and will not be forced into it. I don’t have to cover my head or face when I appear in front of the male members of my family. I wasn’t denied education and/or comfort, even luxury.
So when I say being a kinky Indian woman isn’t hard, I speak to others like me. I cannot and will not speak for those who had a lot more obstacles to overcome than I did. Because in my mind, I had none.
Legal issues aside, all too often, people like me, make grand proclamations of how difficult it is to be kinky in India.
Why? I ask.
People are too judgmental of these things. It scares you to admit to your desires for fear of being judged.
Well guess what?
We all judge. All the time.
We may or may not treat another person differently based on the judgment we’ve made, and that makes all the difference in the world, but if your biggest hardship is being judged then understand that you will be judged no matter who you are. May as well give them the fodder to make judgments upfront.
If you’re a woman, anywhere in the world, chances are someone has at some point thought of you or treated you as a slut.
May as well own it.
Then there is the safety, or lack thereof. Rape may as well be our most rampant epidemic.
And because of that, we take precautions. The question is what is the extent of the precautions you will take?
You’ll take a cab home at night instead of walking or will you stop going out after dark altogether?
In the first scenario you’re protecting yourself, in the second, you’re letting them win and reinstating their position.
It’s much the same with any kinky fuckery you want to undertake. You can outline safety procedures but would your safety protocol be not to do it at all?
Denying is harder than embracing. All you need to embrace is awareness of the consequences that may befall you should you indulge.
I’m not an idiot. I know many of the things I do can end badly but you know what? Let’s think beyond that.
So, you put on little leather clothes, went to a bar, got hot and heavy with some random guy in the corner and then left him with your panties and without giving him your name. Some other guy happens to witness bits of this and follows you out, corners you, harasses you and/or is sexually violent towards you.
Until we agree and stop making your earlier behavior a factor in what happened to you, we will continue to propagate the belief that sexual violence is not entirely the fault of the perpetrator. But beyond that, should this happen to be me in the exact situation, I’ll be damned if (alive) I didn’t milk it for all its worth.
Bring my own kinky fuckery out in the open and own my part of the story and stand up say, I still did not deserve the treatment I got.
You can sit down and deny yourself and/or hide in the hope that someday things will change, or you can be all Gandhian.
But ask yourself first, if you saw the woman from my little story on the news, how many of you would support her?
If your answer is no, perhaps you don’t agree with what you yourself do. And then I can understand why it’s hard. Conflict is hard.
Then there is, of course, the question of the men.
Indian men are this, that..unsafe, patriarchal, inexperienced, exploitative. A vast majority of the women in my life have an issue with Indian men.
You know what I say to that? If you don’t want to be a stereotype, don’t fucking stereotype.
Sure the societal factors that apply to men here are different from elsewhere but the ones that apply to us are different too. Recognize your own cultural biases before you point at the men as a problem.
The sheer number of men in the country is so vast that even if the majority is unsuitable for your needs you’re still left with a huge pool of dateable men.
Think I’m full of it?
Let me out into the city for 24 hours and I’ll come back with at least 50 men I’d happily date who’d be open to the same filth as I am.
And I’m no gorgeous thing.
But if you are refraining for reasons such as: he’s not from my world, he doesn’t speak as well as I’d like, he’s ugly, he doesn’t make enough money, then while you are fully entitled to your reasons don’t blame your lack of a kink-life on the (disputed) fact that it’s hard to be a kinky woman in India.
No one is going to guess what you need sexually, and if you’re unwilling to even talk about it (for even legitimate reasons) then you are the one making it hard for you.
If you’re waiting for your whip-wielding and/or chastity device wearing knight to reach out to you, then you’re the one perpetuating the stereotype. And if you think that kink can only prosper in the black screens of online world and have completely given up on ever finding it in the “real world”, you’re the one holding back on your own prospects.
Go forth and get what you want. It’s out there, trust me, I’ve probably had even your share.
The one issue I probably shouldn’t touch is family.
I realize that I am privileged to have one that ultimately understands that I will do what I want with or without their support. Even in their application of don’t ask-don’t tell, they accept me for who I am.
Ultimately it’s a trade off between fear and living your own damn life.
In no way do I suggest that any of us need to come out to our families, I find that rather unnecessary. However if fear of the consequences of them finding out is what is holding you back or making you hide, it is for you to determine whether it is worth it.
If that fear stems from the fact that you are ashamed of all you do, then by the rule of conflicts, I understand once again why it is hard.
Ultimately, of course, we are all free to do whatever it is we think is right.
I am not one to prescribe lifestyle choices to anyone.
All I’ll say is this: (in a certain section of society) it is not hard to be a kinky, Indian woman.
It may be hard for you, and if you say that, I can respect it.
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